We've certainly been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past two weeks. Two weeks ago at 21 weeks pregnant I had my routine fetal anatomy ultrasound. Without a worry on my mind and everything with this pregnancy seemingly normal so far, you can imagine my surprise when the doctor told us that Amelia has a major heart defect and likely has Down Syndrome. It's still almost painful to revisit that day, but I documented every emotion that I felt so I will never forget the growth that I went through in just a few short days. I share some of those thoughts here as a testimony that no matter how desperate a situation may seem or how heart-broken one might feel, there is infinite healing, comfort, peace and joy to be found through the atonement of Jesus Christ. There were times in the past two weeks when I couldn't understand how I was still standing, but somehow I felt strong and at peace. I told a friend last week that with all the turbulence that I'm experiencing, one would think that I would feel fearful, sad and weak; but I felt the opposite - I felt strong and happy and hopeful. That was strength I knew could only come from the Lord. What an incredible miracle.
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February 17, 2012
Amelia’s Ultrasound Diagnosis
It feels like days, but it hasn't yet been 24 hours since we got the news. Down Syndrome. Heart defect. I sat silently in the chair at the doctor's office as those words rang through my head. I didn't shed a tear. I suppose out of shock or fear, I just couldn't cry. It wasn't until Jeremy held me in the hallway that I wet his shoulder with tears. I felt such a wave of emotions hit me in that moment - shock, fear, sadness, anger. Grief at the loss of the little girl that I thought I was going to have. It was as if I had been dumped in some surreal, nightmarish world from which I couldn't escape. Special needs and birth defects were so far from my mind as I had pictured my perfectly healthy baby girl countless times in the months prior. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want her. I felt robbed of the fantasies of raising a beautiful daughter - a sweet, perfect girl who would look up to me, confide in me, be my best friend. I wanted to turn back. I wanted to go back to my perfectly flawless existence of me and my boys and the joy of anticipating our new arrival.
Jeremy and I came home and we held each other tightly, not saying much of a word. I retreated to my bedroom and turned to the only place that I felt I could go - my knees. I grabbed my scriptures, praying that I might find answers. They fell open to the Book of Mormon in Mosiah chapter 24. In this chapter, the people were being heavily persecuted and were even threatened with execution should they pray. The persecuted poured out their hearts to God, and "the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
I then questioned my Heavenly Father, "How? How is it possible that this burden can be eased? How can I be made strong enough to bear this? It's just too big and I am weak."I told God that all I had wanted was a normal baby. To my heart He replied, "But I gave you an extraordinary baby." I continued to pray that I could receive the strength that the atonement promises. I pleaded with Him to make everything okay.
I think I cried for eight hours straight that day. Later in the evening I took a steaming hot shower, hoping to wash all the heavy emotion away. I sat in the tub with the water raining down on me, and once again racked my body with sobs. It still hurt. I still didn't know how I could be strong enough to do this. I begged Heavenly Father to visit me with His spirit. To comfort and strengthen me. I promised God that I would submit all of my will to His. I would do my best to bear this challenge with patience. I would do anything He asked of me.
As I lay silently in my bed that night, the pain was still present. I grieved for my little girl. I doubted my own strength. I closed my eyes and turned to God again. A miracle occurred. From my head to my toes, a blanket of peace, hope and comfort engulfed me. I knew with every fiber of my being that my Heavenly Father was aware of me. He felt my sorrow and He knew my need. He didn't take my pain and fear away. He didn't make my baby whole. But, as promised, he eased the burden by making me stronger. In that moment I felt an indescribable peace and strength that I knew could only come from God. I allowed the tears to flow freely and water my pillow. This time they were not only tears of sorrow, but they were also tears of gratitude. I felt thankful that my Heavenly Father had lifted me. I felt peace in the knowledge that He knows me and wants me to be happy. I felt eternally grateful for the little girl with the broken heart growing inside of me.
I cried myself to sleep.
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Though thoughts of Amelia continue to constantly loom in the back of my mind, from that day I have felt so happy and content. I've been given such strength and comfort that I didn't think was possible. Day by day I've also grown more in love with this baby girl. I'm so grateful that I get to be her mommy.
We've made some progress since February 16. There is a new test available in which fetal DNA can be extracted from the mother's blood and tested for Down Syndrome with 99% accuracy. I had my blood drawn last week and we received the results yesterday. Amelia does not have Down Syndrome. It's a relief in many ways as there are no longer certain challenges that we will have to face with her, but the news feels somewhat neutral to us as, at this point, we are happy and excited to welcome little Amelia whether she has Down Syndrome or not. The scariest thing is still ever present - her heart defect.
I had a fetal echo done last Tuesday (1.5 hours laying in the ultrasound chair!). The cardiologist has diagnosed her with Truncus Arteriosus, although it's very difficult to determine for sure by fetal ultrasound. There are a couple other conditions that it could be, but all are equally serious. Amelia will undergo major open heart surgery after she is born. The cardiologist is optimistic about the surgery and we know that her size will greatly affect the outcome. We are praying hard that I will be able to carry her through to term. We know that Amelia has a mighty spirit, and we pray that her tiny body can be just as strong. We have bright hope for our baby girl and have faith that everything will be okay. Keep praying for us! :-)
